Caliborn's Stories 15: Hiveswap
by CreativityTheEmotion
Summary: Hiveswap, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.


ALRIGHT. A NEW HEADS UP IS UP, EVERYONE. I WILL COVER UNDERTALE IN THE MEAN TIME. ESPECIALLY SINCE I LEARNED. TODAY IS UNDERTALE'S SECOND WRIGGLING DAY. BUT THIS MEME SHIT FROM THE CREATORS OF HOMOSUCK CAME FIRST.

YES. CREATORS. SINCE ANDREW HUSSIE IS DEAD. HE RECRUITED PEOPLE THAT ARE ACTUALLY ALIVE. TO CONTINUE HIS LEGACY.

AND WITH THAT UNWELCOME GESTURE FROM THE CREATORS OF HOMOSUCK. I SIMPLY *HAVE* TO GET THIS SHIT OUT OF THE WAY FIRST. BEFORE I TACKLE ANYTHING ELSE. BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW. I ORIGINATE FROM HOMOSUCK. AND EVEN THOUGH IT IS MY DUTY TO MAKE FUN OF ALL OF HUMAN FICTION. IT IS FIRST AND FOREMOST MY DUTY TO MAKE FUN OF ANYTHING EVEN TANGENTIALLY RELATED TO HOMOSUCK.

AND WITH THAT SAID. HERE GOES THE HUMAN NOTHING.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

HIVESWAP.

YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. WHOEVER CREATED HOMOSUCK DIDN'T JUST DECIDE THAT THERE IS ENOUGH TORTURE FOR ME AND THE SPECIES OF CHERUBS. AND DECIDED TO MAKE FUN OF MORE FICTIONAL ASSHOLES.

WE ARE INTRODUCED TO ONE SUCH ASSHOLE RIGHT THERE UP FRONT. HER NAME IS JOEY CLAIRE. AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT TO THE REST OF THE STORY. BUT HEY. NAMES MAKE THIS WHOLE THING MORE. "CONVENIENT." EVEN THOUGH I LIKE REFERRING TO PEOPLE AS THE HUMAN BITCH OR WHATEVER. BUT LITERALLY NO ONE CARES. AND NAMES MAKE EVERYTHING CLEARER. SO YEAH.

(ALSO. JOEY IS TOO CLOSE FOR MY LIKING. TO JOY FROM THE INSIDE OUT GARBAGE.)

JOEY CLAIRE. IS AN ASPIRING "VETERINARIAN" OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS. AND IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH. GETTING ANIMALS TO FULL HEALTH. HEY. JOEY. GET YOURSELF TO FULL MENTAL HEALTH BEFORE TRYING TO HELP ANYONE ELSE.

SHE IS ALSO THE KIND. TO REFUSE MORE CONVENTIONAL WEAPONS LIKE SQUIRT GUNS AND DARTS. IN FAVOR OF AND I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT MAKING THIS UP. TAP SHOES. BALLET SHOES. AND A FLASHLIGHT.

THIS IS IT. THIS IS JOEY CLAIRE'S MIGHTY ARSENAL OF STUFF.

ANYWAY. JOEY HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH HER BROTHER JADE HARLEY. (AHEM. I MEAN *JUDE* HARLEY. NOT THAT I CARE A SINGLE IOTA ABOUT WHO JADE HARLEY IS AND WHERE HE IS FROM.) AND THEIR HUMAN CANINE. OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN THE HUMAN YEAR ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR. WHEN SOME MONSTERS THAT LOOK LIKE FROM SBURB ATTACKED. AND WHILE JUDE RETREATED TO HIS ROOM. JOEY RETREATED TO THE HALF-HARLEY MANOR. (BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE HARLEY. BUT JOEY CHANGED HER LAST NAME LIKE A RETARD. THIS IS WHY. SUPERIOR SPECIES LIKE CHERUBS. DON'T EVEN HAVE LAST NAMES.)

AND SUCH. JOEY IS FORCED THROUGH PUZZLES. AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. THIS LITERALLY FRIED MY CHERUB BRAIN TO OBLIVION WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT. (WHAT? I DIDN'T MENTION? I OWN HIVESWAP. IN FACT. I EVEN BACKED THE ORIGINAL HOMOSUCK KICKSTARTER. WITH MY LAST CALCOINS.)

THESE ARE THE PUZZLES.

FIRST OF ALL. JOEY NEEDS SOME WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH JUDE. SO SHE TAKES HER TRUSTY REMOTE COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE. BUT SINCE HUMAN DEVICES RUN ON HUMAN BATTERIES. SHE SCAVENGES FOR SOME. FROM SOME MEMORY GAME.

THEN. SHE GETS HER DIARY KEY. AND WRITES IN HER DIARY. (WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A DIARY IS? SIGH. HERE GOES. A DIARY. IS WHAT INFERIOR HUMANS USE. TO KEEP TRACK OF THEIR LIVES. AND JOEY CERTAINLY HAS A BORING LIFE. ONLY UPDATING HER BOOK EVERY FEW MONTHS.)

(SOME OF YOU MIGHT THINK THAT THIS IS HYPOCRITICAL. AND THAT *I* HAVE BEEN UPDATING YOU WITH CALIBORN'S STORIES WITH MONTHS-LONG HIATUSES. TO WHICH I SAY. SHUT UP.)

SO JOEY GOES OUT. TAKES HER TRUSTY TAP SHOES. AND KNOCKS DOWN A BOX. CONTAINING THE REST OF WHAT SHE CONSIDERS "REAL WEAPONS". AND HEADS DOWNSTAIRS. SCAVENGING FOR SOME MORE BATTERIES. FOR HER FLASHLIGHT.

OVER THE COURSE OF THE STORY. SHE IS ALSO ATTACKED BY MONSTERS. BUT THEY DO NOT PROGRESS THE PLOT IN ANY WAY. SO I AM SKIPPING THEM.

ANYWAY. SHE NEEDS TO GET THE ATTIC KEY. BUT HER HUMAN FATHER (WHO IS A HOMOSUCK CHARACTER. SURPRISE SURPRISE.) HAS AN ELABORATE SYSTEM TO LOCK THEM AWAY. WHICH REQUIRES COLORFUL MARBLES. AND WHICH ALSO REQUIRES YOU, THE PLAYER. TO TEMPORARILY BE JUDE HARLEY. AND SEND YOUR TRUSTY HUMAN PIGEONS. ONE TO DEATH. ONE TO COWARDICE. AND ONE TO JOEY'S POSSESSION PERMANENTLY.

SO. NOW THAT JOEY HAS THE ATTIC KEY. SHE TRIES TO RUN TO THE ONLY PLACE IN HER HOUSE THAT ACCEPTS AN ATTIC KEY. BUT THAT ONLY KNOCKS HER OUT. SO JUDE COMES TO THE RESCUE. SHOOTING HIS FLARE GUN. (WHICH IS STILL NOT A REAL WEAPON. BUT WE'RE GETTING THERE.) AND SCARING THEM AWAY. SO JOEY CAN SUCCESSFULLY RUN AWAY TO THE ATTIC. WHERE THERE IS A MYSTERIOUS MACHINE. WHICH SHE ACTIVATES WITH THIS GREEN KEY THAT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF MYSELF. AND GETS SENT TO.

THE TROLL PLANET.

HEY. CREATORS OF HOMOSUCK. WHERE IS THE CHERUB REPRESENTATION AT.

LITERALLY. LET'S TRACK ALL OF THE CHERUBS WHO HAVE EVER APPEARED IN HOMOSUCK. THERE IS THE GLORIOUS AND REVERED ME. THERE IS MY DOGSHIT SISTER. AND THERE ARE THE TWO POOR EXCUSES FOR OUR CHERUB PARENTS. WHOSE FAVORITE PASTIME IS BLOWING UP PLANETS. SO THAT'S FOUR. (NOT COUNTING THOSE UNNAMED CHERUBS WHICH ARE ONLY SETUP FOR CHERUB EXPOSITION.)

AND YET. WHEN THE CREATORS OF HOMOSUCK SEE TROLLS. THEY ARE LIKE. "TWENTY FOUR? THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. LET'S THROW MORE AT FANS AND HOPE THEY LIKE THEM." FUCK YOU. CHERUB REPRESENTATION. NUFF SAID.

WELL. CALIBORN SAID. BUT "NUFF SAID" IS JUST ONE OF THOSE HUMAN PHRASES THAT YOU CANNOT ARGUE WITH.

ANYWAY. SO JOEY IS NOW IN ALTERNIA. TAKING PLACE OF SOME ABSOLUTE DOUCHEBAG ONLY KNOWN AS "TETRARCH DAMMEK." AND CONTACTING THIS OTHER TROLL WHO IS UNAWARE THAT ANY SWAP OF HIVES HAS TAKEN PLACE. BUT WHO IS EVENTUALLY CONVINCED THAT JOEY IS A RELATIVE ALIEN TO HIM. AND WHO DECIDES TO HELP HER. BUT REALIZES THAT THE MEANS OF COMMUNICATION IS INSECURE.

ANYWAY. WE ARE NOW THE TROLL. KNOWN AS XEFROS TRITOH. OR AS JOEY HAS NICKNAMED HIM. "XEROX." YOU KNOW WHAT. I LIKE XEROX BETTER. I MIGHT AS WELL STICK WITH IT.

SO. WE ARE NOW XEROX. DESPERATE TO HELP JOEY. BUT BEFORE WE CAN GET TO HER. WE HAVE TO GET OUR STUPID TROLL LUSUS OUT OF THE WAY. (BRIEF CATCHUP ON TROLL LUSUSES, SINCE I FORGOT TO MENTION THEM IN MY BRIEF COVER OF HOMOSUCK. THEY'RE THE TROLL EQUIVALENT. TO HUMAN PARENTS. BUT THEY ARE ANIMALS. SO THEY MAY BE BETTER THAN HUMAN PARENTS? I DON'T KNOW.) WHICH, FOR SOME REASON, I CAN NAME. HOW ABOUT. THE BEST NAME EVER. (THAT IS CALIBORN. HUGE SPOILERS, I KNOW.)

ANYWAY. XEROX GETS OUT OF HIS HOUSE. AND GETS SOME BOX. THAT MAKES THE MEANS OF COMMUNICATION SECURE. BUT IS ALSO CRUSHED UNDER SOME ROCKS. AND NOW IT'S JOEY'S TURN TO GET TO HIM AND GET HELP.

JOEY THUS MAKES IT THROUGH DAMMEK'S TROLL HIVE. SET UP WITH TRAPS AND PUZZLES. BECAUSE THIS GAME WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT TRAPS AND PUZZLES. ONE OF WHICH. EVEN REQUIRES MASTERY OF THE TROLL ALPHABET FOR SOME REASON. HEY. I DIDN'T COME TO HIVESWAP TO LEARN TROLL LANGUAGE. I CAME TO HIVESWAP TO SWAP SOME HIVES. HOW IS THAT DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND?

ANYWAY. AT ONE POINT. JOEY PICKS UP WHAT IS KNOWN AS A "HOVERPAD". WHICH MAKES PILES OF SHIT HOVER. SO SHE HOVER-PICKS UP DAMMEK'S WHOLE HIVE. AND MOVES IT OUT OF THE WAY. SO THAT IT BOTHERS LITERALLY NO ONE.

WELL. OKAY. SHE DOESN'T DO THAT. SHE SOLVES MORE PUZZLES. ONE OF WHICH. EVEN MAKES HER APPLY HER "VETERINARIAN" ABILITIES TO ALIEN ANIMALS (I.E. DAMMEK'S TROLL LUSUS).

BUT THE END RESULT IS THE SAME. JOEY AND DAMMEK'S TROLL LUSUS GET TO XEROX AND XEROX'S TROLL LUSUS. JOEY LIFTS ALL THE ROCKS THAT FELL ON XEROX TO SAVE HIM. AND THEY BOTH RIDE INTO THE SUNSET. (OR MOONSET. WHILE ALTERNIA HAS A SUN. IT IS SO SCORCHINGLY HOT. THAT TROLLS LITERALLY DIE IF THERE IS A LINE OF SIGHT BETWEEN THEM AND THE SUN.) WHILE SOME OTHER TROLL. IS ADMIRING THE VIEW. (WHICH SHE CAUSED. KILLING EVERYONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. AND CRUSHING XEROX UNDER ROCKS.) TAKING A HUMAN SELFIE. WHICH MIGHT EVEN BE A TROLL SELFIE? WHO KNOWS.

BUT THEN. THE AMAZINGNESS OF HOMOSUCK SHINES AGAIN. REMEMBER HOW HOMOSUCK WAS COMPOSED OF THESE UPDATES? THAT MADE YOU WAIT FOREVER AND EVER JUST TO GET THE OTHER PART OF THE STORY. GUESS WHAT. SURPRISE SURPRISE. HIVESWAP DOES IT TOO. WHICH MARKS THIS.

 _1/4 STUPID ACTS. DONE._

AND THAT IS AS MUCH AS I CAN COVER RIGHT NOW. TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN THE CREATORS OF HOMOSUCK RELEASE MORE. (WHICH, GIVEN HOW THEY HAVE TAKEN FIVE YEARS TO GO FROM A KICKSTARTER TO THIS, WILL PROBABLY BE NEVER.) BUT UNTIL THEN. I AM FREE TO TAKE-

NO. WAIT. I AM NOT FREE TO TAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS. I HAVE ALREADY DECIDED. UNDERTALE IS NEXT. SHUT UP.

THAT BEING SAID. FOR NOW IT IS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut

* * *

 _Terrible Hiveswap fic idea checklist:_

 _[X] Caliborn's Stories 15: Hiveswap_

 _[ ] Bright yet Dark vs. Hiveswap_

 _[ ] The Emotions play Hiveswap_


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